The Great Quandray

Pondering the ways in which she could change
She started wondering, what would be so terrible about staying the same?
She sat for a while…
And fought a multitude of thoughts
Was she experiencing a touch of denial?
What would be so wrong about being herself
And…
trying to stop this denial if just for a while?

A trial period if you may
She felt as though a spark had appeared and split
A blurry line through, what she imagined she wanted
And one which was hid

But how did she know
Who she was deep down below?
Maybe if she just went with the flow
And stopped trying to change
Then she would know?

If she were trapped in a hole
She would most certainly dream she were safe and warm
Secure and comfortable
Super cosy at home

Scrabbling for a way out
Of this imaginary hole
She made a decision, which came as a vision
She would stop all this thinking and just try to listen.

'Cat & Fiddle' & Other Questions?

Why are firemen nearly always FAT and out of shape? Even the younger ones, i know this, because i have a tendency to come over all aquiver when i fire engine goes past, but lately i have been sorely dissapointed upon looking up into the truck.

Also why is a fire engine, a'fire-engine?' Surely if you were to describe the actual engine, it isn't an engine...its a truck? So how come its not actually a fire truck?

Why do we all have different accents, when all babies cry in the same way?

If babies have eyes when they are born, then do they see in the womb? If so, in the future will we have like a womb version of CRIBS?

Why on the weather forcasts do they show really obscure & random places on the map? You would imagine that they would want to use popular, well known locations as surely the whole point of putting them on there is to give the viewers at home can easily see where they live on the map. I mean, obviously poeple should know basic geography but many poeple are ignorant and do not. Anyways an example;

ITV news, there is a map...on this map we have a couple of well known places, for example; Leeds BUT THEN they just have loads of ridiculous places that i have never heard of and suspect they may have made up.

Okay, 'Cat & Fiddle' anyone?!?!? Why use this obscure location as being a effective reference point on a map? Maybe i am just stupid but srsly, sort this out the news !

Summer Officially Sucks: For me.

I know this is probably not going to resonate around the ears of most people, but i feel i have to get this out, here goes; I DON'T LIKE SUMMER. I Love Autumn.
Autumn is like the cooler, more chilled out sibling
.
Summer is all like 'Ohhh look at me, look at me, seriously, i'm soooo fucking hot, i am totally the shit!'.
Autumn is much more laid back and unassuming 'Ahh Hey there! I'm just here ya know, doing my thang, take me or leave me, i don't really care, i'm just chilling.'

I don't, i haven't for, well a long time but i don't feel in any away ashamed to say this.
I don't like summer for a number of reasons but the main 3 are as follows;

1. The expectation: The media i.e magazines and TV shows go on and on relentlessely about 'summer syle' 'summer getaways' etc which build up such a huge expectation. Its like, you have you are under a huge amount of pressure to have loads of intricate plans and you should be concerned about getting a 'bikini body'. FUCK THAT! Sorry for swearing, which i don't usually do.


2. The actual Weather & The naive belief that the sun will come out and most importantly, STAY OUT: Seriously, everyone gets so excited about the prospect of summer and most of this is due to the idea (hope) that the sun will make an appearance. this never really comes through. The weather is extremey inconsistent, you never know what kind of day its going to be weatherwise. Its incredibly annoying to wake up and for the sun to be shimmering through the window but then by 11am for the rain to be hammering it down. But it is oh so predictable.


3. Small Talk: As humans people feel the need to always fill in any silences. The topic of summer as a conversation seems to offer a multitude of small talk opportunities; such as, 'are you going away this year' & 'the weathe ris so shit....' It is like a gateway topic for small talk, kind of similar to cigarettes but much more soul destroying as you don't get any pleasure from it. Similarily, you have to endure so many tedious and esentially mind numbingly boring jibber jabbrings of people telling you all about their intricate holiday plans. I think listening to someone's holidays stories is the only topic that can outright beat listening to someone's dream for boringness.

10 Things To Do Before I Die...

I was inspired by a featured video on youtube.

Simply put: What di i want to eithr achieve, experience or conquer in my lifetime??
Initially i thought this would b a relatively straightforward task, and thought i would be mentally trampled by zillions of ideas, suprisingly i struggled to think of 10 things which really really were important to me. There were hundreds of little things which were of 'interest' to me, but i wanted to really choose things which i felt would add zest to my life or open me up to a new way of looking at the world.

What started out as being a seemingly easy task turned into a mammoth think-a-thon, which i thorougly enjoyed.
Anyways babble babble babble, i go. I could blah blah about this whole thing for ages, so i shall stop, NOW.

10 Things I Hope to Do .... Before i'm too frail and/or DEAD.

1. Be able to buy/give my mum, dad and sister anything they want. They have *always* tried to give me everything and i would love to be able to do the same. They have made many sacrifices for me. I would want to see them all be as happy as they could be. I don't mean buying loads of materialistic things as such because they don't care about 'stuff'. I mean being able to give them opportunities that they haven't ben able to fulfill. E.g My dad would love to live in the Lake District near his mother (my grandmother) and i would love to b able to buy him a beautiful country house. I know he hates living in the city.
2. Write a book: I would love to do this, and i know i could do it now, but i don't feel like i have a good enough story, this is mostly due to the fact that i feel there are many experiences i am yet to have. I am lacking the inspiration.
3. Travel across America in a cool car, literally stopping at as many places as possible. Would just be super cool! Also travelling generally and seeing as much of the world as i could. There is sooooo much to see in the world, i often feel like i'm completely missing out.
4. Live in New York for a while: I just love the place, i know it is a huge cliche but there is a unique atmosphere there and a palpabe energy in the city. Probably a result of the sheer amount of people milling around. There is everything you could need, even a park which serves as a peaceful haven contrasting beautifullywith the hectic-ness hustle and bustle of the city streets.
5. Revive my gymnastics! The one big thing i remember about my childhood is doing gymnastics, i loved it. I gave it up because i hit puberty and just felt like a bit of a tit prancing around in a leotard, the usual story. I have only one lonely regret and that is giving up gymnastics. I really hope that one day, i will have the confidence to prance around in a leotard again.
6. Have all of my family be together and it not be awkward. My mum & dad got divorced when i was 2, so i have only seen them in the ame breathing space a handful of time sin my life, most of these being awkward, bumbling moments. My mum and dad are awesome and really do try to make things as comfortable as possible but the feelings of sadness when they have been in the same room are too intense. It must be incredibly difficult for them. Saying this, i would love to have a photo of us all together, so i could display it proudly on my wall. I would love that more than anything.
7. Have a child: Believe me, not anytime soon, i wouldn't want to have a baby until i was at the very youngest 32. I don't feel i am particulary good around kids, (i am AWFUL!) i find them boring and repeatative. The very thought of having a baby now makes me shudder, literally shudder and scream inside. It would be a utter nightmare; i absolutely love my independance & freedom, a baby would literally steal any independance one has. Anyways, one day i would adore to have a baby, i would not want to miss out on that experience. I would regret it if i was all old and didn't have a child.
8. See my mum & dad be proud. I know they are proud of me, they constantly tell me how proud they are, even when i haven't really done much :) I would love, probably for myself more than anything, to really feel like i have done something to be worth all their support and love. They have always believed and encouraged me, even when i haven't shown much enthusiasm. I would love to prove they were right.
9. Go on an archeology adventure and use one of those little brushes to unearth a dinosaur fossil. Just because it would be sooo much fun.
10. Drive a really amazing car, lke a lambourghini, if only for 5 minutes. To be able to put my foot down and feel how spectacular it would be.

Brain Ninja's

HAPPY FRIDAY!!

I am Happy.

Have had a pretty mediocore week really.
I've had trouble sleeping for some reason, i have banned any kind of TV type electrical thing from my bedroom as i feel it should be a peaceful sanctuary free of any crap i.e TV.

I know this all sounds to be very hippyish & i don't believe in any of that feng shui bullshit BUT i think we all are harassed and bombarded enough in our lives without having to be lambasted by more crap whilst in the relaxing arena of a bedroom.
Anyway back to my original point - i digress shamelessly these days. I must discipline myself to stay on point more...ooooh once again, i digress...

Yeah so, sometimes when i retire to bed, i feel it can all be a bit too peaceful and quiet, my thoughts race through my mind and just keep me up. Its not even that they are negative thoughts; they are infact, the majority of the time very positive thoughts. The problem is, that i don't want to be fll of thoughts at bedtime. I want my brain to kick any thoughts out of the door for the night. Maybe i need to employ some kind of neuro-brain doorstaff.

I doubt i could hire any for a while though, and if i could, there is always the terrifying eventuality that they would develope a strong addiction to addiction to cocaine, get super paranoid & twitchy and then just end up throwing everything in my brain out of the door and banning them all for life.
There would be little fuzzy polaroid pictures of my various brain cells lookin sheepish alongside pictures of nerve endings sparking pathetically away, like a disconnected but still live electrical cable. Oh its a sad thought. All the images would be collated in a little book, that would be all that would be left over of my brain, my thoughts....ME.

Well then life would be no fun anymore. It would be one long thoughtless void.
So i don't think i'll be doing that.

This post has be supremely theraputic as i have now seen that dark side of having NO THOUGHTS i am confident that when i get to bed tonight i will appreciate each and every one of my little persistent thoughts.

The Sky Is Sacred?

He sat alone, wondering if the sky would ever become full of high rises
He looked down below and could see the whole city
Twas dominated by machinery and in between were grey buildings

Where were all the fields, the parks and the grass
Whatever happened to all that once lived?
For now there was no land, no play park and no escape
For he was stuck in his flat, just wishing for some land

Would the sky become tainted
By the hand of the man
Where would they not build, where would they not plan
Because all that he saw, was man made and grim
He wished for a view, full of fresh flowers and oceans to swim in.

I AM going to be a Tee Totaller

I feel sick :(
Yes, i have been feeling sick since yesterday.
I have a strong suspicion that this sickness is related (very much) to the copious amounts of wine i consumed on Friday night.

Now i am totally not a big drinker, i hadn't been drunk for at least 2 months before Friday so i am totally not accustomed to hangovers, hurmmmnnnnph they truely suck. I woke up yesterday feeling like i had just woken up from living in a cave for 8 months, han't had any sunlight, only had a brown grizly bear for company (who might i add, was always in a bad mood) and could only eat fire and not drink any fluids.

I just felt WRETCHED, i am seriously considering just biting the bullet and going all out tee total. I am not quite sure why i am not a tee totaller. This is surely one of lives biggest mysteries, why do we drink knwing that we are going to have hideous hangovers??? Is it ever worth it? I would say it can be, but then when you work all week the weekend is ever so precious, and all i did yesterday was lay on the sofa feeling absolutely wretched, running back and forth to the toilet being sick. NOT PLEASANT.

Anyway, i wonder how much, if at all i would miss alcohol. I very rarely drink it so feel that this may be why i end up getting huge hangovers. Plus, i am a totaly lightweight, one glass of wine would be more than enough to get me sufficiently giddy, wll skittles get me extremely giddy so i doubt i should be drinking anything of an alocholic nature.

The worst thing is i feel poisoned, my entire body is making no bones about the fact that it HATES ME right now. I ran a mile and a half on the treadmilltoday in the hope of winning back some respect from my body (or existentially myself) but it didn't work, funny how it is actually I who is in control of my emotions....so i must not want to forgive myself for drinking all the alcohol?

Humans, we are sooo lame.

Sooooooooo Lame.

I also do the most stupidest of things when i am drunk, if there is a dodgy situation, then you can guarnatee that i will be the first to jump in, it is always I who is the first to mention the idea of dancing, i become loud and totally obnoxious and then the next day i hate myself.

No, i shall not be drinking anymore. FACT.

Teeth Extraction X 3 = Ignorance is Bliss

So today i went to see a consultant at the orthopedic place in the hopsital regarding my killer wisdom teeth.

The dentist dude did not suprise me one bit when he broke the news that i would have to have my wisdom teeth out, however i was mid to severly displeased when he advised that i have to have 3, yes 3 teeth out. Oh noes.


I am generally fairly okay with the inevitable prospect of having two of my wisodom teeth out but THREE, this is AWFUL.

I had two options for the procedure; Sedation Or total anesthesia.

I opted to go for the sedation option as opposed to full general anesthetic (it sounded like the most fun), however i am rather contemplting back tracking and changing this option as i am thinking being completely out may be the way forward.


I am actually quite eager towards the idea of finally having these calcium intruders out of my mouth so that i can stop taking painkillers. I am probably taking far too many now, my tolerance has imploded, my poor poor liver.

My poor poor liver.


I am going to have to go on a majorly serious detox after the teeth get given their marching orders.


I am perplexed as to how the dentist person is actually going to take these teeth out, as they are impacted, meaning that they are not properly poking up through the gums, how ....errrr probably best i don't know this.


I think ignorance is most certainly bliss in this case.

Ignorance most certainly is BLISS.


Also, for some unknown reason (my dentist was quite vague) i have to get each tooth out individually, so this means a grand total of three sedations. On a positive note, it in turn results in three days off work for me! Y-e-y- ....although with a throbbing holey-fied mouth (that sounds religious) i doubt i'll be having a party.

Oooh one last thing, the receptionist in the hospital asked me a few questions such as; my name, my address, next of kin etc all the usual type stuff, but i am certain that when she quieried my religion and i said i didnt have one, she looked at me with hate. Oh Noes.

NOT.

I Love Art Galleries :)

My My My, I have had a super few days.

I drove up to see my mum this weekend and had a awesome time. Not only did i learn how to bake a lemon cake, i also visited an art gallery and critiqued the exhibition. I even went as far as filling out an elaborate questionnaire, giving my uneducated opinions about the art on view. Wonderfull!
I enjoyed the art gallery visit much more than i have enjoyed anything in a while infact.
I don't drink that much these days and sometimes i feel like i should be going out more and doing things, but i think that my generation are inclined to feel that most social activities should revolve around the consumption of alcohol. Now i have a whole new 'event' to attend.

I am now full of enthusiasm for the art gallery experience and shall be making a concerted effort to attend more.

Baking the cake was also superb. I have baked cakes before in my younger days but haven't bothered for years, mainly because of the following (lazy) reasons;

• Washing up afterwards is always a bummer


• Never having all the ingredients required


• Having had a bad experience of messing up a cake in the past

Its serious business cake baking and should be approached with extreme caution. I am now, however the proud owner of some weighing scales, so i shall be baking more often.

I currently have 'The Real Hustle' on in the background. I suspect it isn't 'Real' whatsoever. There is a 'hustle' occuring in a jewelery shop. I am quite confused as to how they manage to have so many camera angles when it is supposed to be 'undercover'? Surely the jewelery shop team noticed someone coming in and installing cameras everywhere? I would be as suspicious if there was the one camera but they have actually made a big point of showing the hustler swap a cheap neckjlace with one worth £5,000. It was like 'Look at the swap from this angle...' and then '...from this angle...' It should be renamed 'The Kind of Real Hustle, but Not Really.' Suspicious Anwen is Suspicious.

Also, whilst on the subject of TV Shows. Studio audience's - why are they never appreciated?
Its such a shame...they make the effort to leave their houses to go and sit in some ghastly set, they have to clap on cue for hours, and basically give the show that extra 'oooomph.'
Anyways at the end of the show the presenter will always say something along the lines of 'thankyou to the studio audience, the guests but most of all thanks to YOU at home.'

I mean really, how mean is that?! If anything the viewers at home shouldn't be thanked at all, cos they aren't doing anything, they should thank the show for giving them some entertainment. They are simply lazing around in their underwear at home.

Wheras the poor long suffering studio audience have been sat like sardines in a hot & clammy studio for probably HOURS.
Awwww.